Just feeling...

I think I dont like being happy.

Ok scratch that. Thats total crap. Of course I do. Who doesnt?

But, I dont think im comfortable with it.

Not when there is something/anything coming-up which im worrying about.
I dont let myself enjoy myself or get too happy or confident if I know there is something which could "tip the balance".
I guess its like a defence mechanism.

Like right now. I feel quite content and confident. And generally ok.
But I dont like to admit that to myself, I even feel a little bit bad about writing about it.
Almost as if im preparing myself for the worst, like a premature punishment.

Im also feeling happy in a different way. As a result of feeling accepted. Something my sister asked me about a certain attitude.

And I also feel the need to split myself in two.

There is just so much going on in the very near future, what with parties for the next 5 weekends, a gig to see, a trip to "the London of the North", a trip to Kent, results coming out, and of course the on-going work.
And I want to do it all! Well, all except the work.

Except i physically can't. Damn my exploding social life!
I agreed with my sister and cousins to go see our gran in Kent this weekend, and then completely forgot about it and agreed to go to another friends birthday party.
And now I cant go because we were meant to go see gran last weekend but didnt, and I want to see her, and my cousins.
I havent seen them in ages, im having withdrawal symptoms from the hilarity that ensues when we all meet!

Im also feeling impatient.
Im a boy. Who wants to grow up probably a little too fast.
I know at least one of you who agrees with that.
But that is down to everything that I have been and done and had in the past. And I wouldnt like to change any of it, because its made me who I am right now.
I think Im just feeling tired of waiting.

And Im just feeling tired.

Nighty night.