I'm so stupid. Hilarious. But stupid.

I had a telephone interview today for a position as a full time cashier at a bank. And, as it was a full-time position I decided to keep the whole still being at uni thing on the low down. I was planning on un-full-timing myself sometime nearer to October.

So anyway...the interviewer asked me about why I'd applied for said position, what I hoped to gain from it, and then asked me about my career goals and where I hoped to go.

Naturally I panicked, because, Cardio-thoracic surgeon is not the answer I think she was looking for...so I said that one day I aspire to be a Branch Manager or Regional Manager.

Oops.

My mum found it very, very amusing, and couldn't even re-tell the story to my gran without laughing into her coffee for a good minute before.

Shit.

So anyway, they've asked me for a real interview now. Though I obviously can't go can I?

To add to this, I spent part of this morning with the Yellow Pages on my lap, ringing various recruitment agencies. We'll see where forwarded CVs take me.

Eugh.

It's not that I need the money, though obviously it would really help. It's just that I can't stand being bored.
I'm a really social person, and very creative and can't stand not doing anything.

This is the same little predicament I was in last summer. Though then everything was nowhere.

I really need to take charge of my life. Be more independent. More adult. There isn't much I can do right now because life here is like someone has hit the pause button.

But when I get back to London. I need to find a creative and enjoyable part time job, minimum contract, to keep going under my studies. So that next year, I can live and work in the Dizzle.

Being bored is dangerous.

I'm trying not to endanger myself. So far so good. The internet isn't helping. It's too tempting to plunge into a fabricated world of 0s and 1s as a substitute of the world I'm missing. Living vicariously through others isn't cool either. Can't let that happen. I feel a bit out of touch even though I don't seem to be missing anything. The weather was good today. Actually had a bit of sun. I don't like being so cut off from everyone. I miss the countryside. I miss friends. Before they changed. And for some reason I seem to want to push away from others. I want to dye my hair again. And grow it. But first get it cut. I'm trying to make what I am into what I long for. It's wrong.I really need to take charge of my life. Be more independent. Take more risks. Stop wanting the comfort and then regretting it when it smothers me.

girl is wicked.

I'm back in my bedroom at home. It feels weird. It's not like I just got back after years away or anything. It just felt a little reminicent because I walked in, sat down at my desk, and turned on the radio, and it all felt very teenage.

Weird.

Anyway, so yes, I'm back. And I'm not going to tell you how India was, because frankly, I've told so many people now, I can't be bothered. All I'm going to say is that it was an adventure. I definately want to go back. But not under the same circumstances.

Now I'm facing the same old soul-crushingly depressing chore of trying to find a job in this two-bit town I called home. I'm being mean. I do love the little L, just not when I'm stuck here.

I applied for a job at the H&M here and was told I dont have enough experience. This is a year after the LONDON STORE asked me for an interview. The LONDON STORE which is far busier, and has a much higher turnover and thus is far more demanding.
And if no one gives you a chance, how the fuck are you meant to get any experience?!

Apparently my housemate who owns our flat told my other housemate that we can move in whenever we want but I can't get in contact with him to confirm this. I think he's gone on holiday. I really hope this is true because I will be moving in faster than you can say Pseudohyperparathyroidism.

Now I dont know whether to play PC games, or read Harry Potter 7. Hmmm.

Also, I've ordered a pair of Puma Running shoes (see below). Can't wait till they arrive. Must. Get. Fit. Soon.

That's it for now.

lets run

"If there is one place on the face of earth where all the dreams of living men have found a home from the very earliest days when man began the dream of existence, it is India!"

"India is the cradle of the human race, the birthplace of human speech, the mother of history, the grandmother of legend, and the great grand mother of tradition. Our most valuable and most astrictive materials in the history of man are treasured up in India only!"

"So far as I am able to judge, nothing has been left undone, either by man or nature, to make India the most extraordinary country that the sun visits on his rounds. Nothing seems to have been forgotten, nothing overlooked."

"In India, I found a race of mortals living upon the Earth, but not adhering to it, inhabiting cities, but not being fixed to them, possessing everything, but possessed by nothing"

On Tuesday I'm flying to India for two and a half weeks of travelling.
Gujarat. Mumbai. Pune. Kerela.

It's very slowly starting to hit me.
India has been somewhere I've always, always wanted to go.

I can't wait.

Last night I spent my evening buying travel insurance and filling out an application form for a Visa from the Indian Embassy.


I know, I can't believe it either!

The Last Day

Friday. June 23rd. Judgement day.

It had arrived. The day we'd all been waiting for. The last day in halls, and also the day we get our results. They day to make or break our summers.

I woke up and my first thought was prayers for luck, well actually it was "oh shit" as I scrambled for my phone to read the time, but after that.

I couldn't be late as I was meeting my housemates-to-be at our flat-to-be for a viewing. One of my housemates surprised us with an email a few days earlier saying that his parents have bought a 4-bed flat, so that's our accom sorted!

After checking out the flat we went for a coffee in the starbucks next door (I'm so going to be there every morning!), for a catch-up until midday-ish when I left them to come back to halls as I was meant to be having lunch with ScrubsGirl and IndieKid (C and A). An attempt to consume the rest of our food before moving out.

The 3 of us had planned to go shopping in Central for the day to keep our minds off results which were being released from 3pm onwards but IndieKid had to go see a house so instead, after our mammoth omlette, we all went to Ken High for a browse.

When IndieKid had to go, ScrubsGirl and I made our way to Carnaby Street - I wanted to go to the American Apparel store.
One purchase (my amazingly nice new favourite blue hoody) later, we people-dodged our way back to Oxford Circus and thought we'd take a peek in TopShop/Man.

I was browsing in Topman when I got a call from a friend telling me she'd passed and got a merit. She asked where I was and why and then asked me to let her know how I did when I got my results.
As soon as I put the phone down my stomach began to turn, "fuck!", I thought, "I'm going home!".
I was already on the escalators when I rang SG, and we arranged to meet at the doors, both wanting to get home as soon as possible after hearing that.

By the time we got on the bus she'd already had two phonecalls informing us that so and so had passed or got merits or failed certain papers.

The sick feeling was just getting worse...

For what seemed like the longest and most memorable bus journey in the world the two of us talked about results, recieved phonecalls from friends, and worried and hoped...

I got a call from IK when we were about 10 minutes away informing us that he'd passed everything which was good, but I was just dying after that call. The woman sitting next to SG finally understood why we were freaking out when I told SG, "IK passed everything", but still continued to give us strange looks.

Finally we got home. I got to my room. Opened up my laptop. Logged in to my email account. There it was - Year 1 unofficial results.

Oh god oh god oh god. Please please please!

Click...

...

...

[Azuric Obscure] - | pass | pass | pass | pass | pass |

I physically could not believe it. I had passed every single paper. Me. First time. No resits. It was unbelieveable.

SG was laptop-less as hers was being repaired so I let her check hers in my room, and thankfull she had passed all of them too.
Both of us were so shocked and relieved. IK got back minutes later. I was so happy that the three of us had all passed everything first time. And as hard and horrible as it was, revising and going through it all together, made it so fun.

I rang my mum to let her know after...

Me [in a sad voice]: Hey
Her: How was it?
Me [still sounding down]: Sigh... I worked so hard, and...every single one...
Her [sounding alarmed]: What? All of them?!
Me {sounding as if I was about to cry]: Yeah, every single paper.... ....I PASSED!!
Her: *deafening screams* - I actually had to hold the phone away from my ear.

She did tell me off for being evil after the praise and congratulations...but it was hilarious.

How strange...just before I wrote this, I turned on the radio, and the first song to be played was Teardrop - Massive Attack.

This song has so much meaning now. I smile everytime I hear it. And like a certain someone said, the storm and dark clouds of uncertainty have passed, and all of a sudden I'm standing in a field of sunshine.

It all feels very sureal.

That's it.

The photos, posters, and other crap have come down and the walls are back to bare.
Suitcases are ready by the door.

I've just a couple more days left in London.

It hadn't really hit until today.
I was lying in bed (pretty much all I do these days), recovering from the Ball the night before when this song, which I've heard many times before, came on the radio, and only this time did I properly catch the lyrics, and take it in...

Once more just before Im leaving
Torn on the platform
Once more just before Im leaving
Torn on the platform

Cos Ill miss you and I love you
I know this is over for now
Cos I miss you, ohh, how I miss you
Youre not my girl you're my town

A weekend away, leave the city today
Dont want the big smoke to leave me behind...

I just can't believe that already my first year at uni is over.

Where the hell did it go?!

And I know that so much has happpened in this past year, so many amazing, challenging, fun and exciting experiences.
There've been up's and there've been downs, but I've loved the whole thing.
I really wouldn't change anything.
It's weird that it's so hard to remember it all, but I guess when you're having fun...time just flies.

At the same time as it feeling that it's just flown past, it also feels like we've all always been here, and that I've known these people for years.
School and A-levels seem so long ago. So distant. So childish.

Ah London. How much I love you. I really just don't want to leave.

I've had an infactuation with this city for a long time, I don't know why, but I was drawn to it.
I really wanted to come and study here.
I knew this is where I wanted to end up.

Ever since my GCSE's, when I grew up a bit and became focused and ambitious my dreams had involved this place.
My mum always tells me that I dream too much, but like his wickedness, Dizzee Rascal, said, "if you don't have a dream, then how' you gonna have a dream come true?"

And now, finally getting here, and living the city life...I can see why Londoners love it so much.
It actually is it's own little world.
So different to the rest of England.

Well, I guess there's comfort in the fact that I'll (hopefully) be back in 3 months, if not before.

Cos my
Eyes, eyes, eyes
Are not
Dry, dry, dry
As I
Realise, ise, ise
That in a few minutes this train will be gone
Sighs, sighs, sighs
City
Fly's, fly's, fly's
Wonder
Why, why, why
Would anyone want to leave where I come from?