Okay readers, I need to share some issues.

This post will make no sense to most and appear "obscure" at points but for those that know me, you should be able to keep up.

Basically I've had a realisation...its about relationships, but before you roll your eyes and yawn, just read.

I have to admit that everytime I feel lonely and long for a relationship/someone to be with, it's only one half of me (if you know what I mean), and it's almost always that type of relationship.
Maybe it's because that's the only type of relationship I've properly kind-of had experience of and it was all at such an emotional time, and now that I've had it, I have something to miss - and long to have something like it back.

The other half (the "normal" half, if you want to be extremely un-PC) of me decided that I wasn't looking for a relationship right now, and just wanted to enjoy life and see where things go and what destiny brings.
Which is bad I guess because only when I experience this (normal) kind of relationship will I know whether it can compare to that kind of relationship and whether I'll stop missing it.

I've lost you haven't I?

I woke up on Sunday morning, really happy - when I wrote the Christmas post - but that was because of something I did on Saturday night which I really shouldn't have done.
Something which only temporarily filled the void and gave me a false sense of happiness.
As soon as I realised it had worn off I became quite depressed - thinking about my situation and how it was so hard to be this way, that I hadn't asked for it, and the rest of it.

Luckily a phone call from the best sister in the world at just the right time helped me to sort myself out and I was fine after that.
But what that conversation did do is push me/remind me of the "normal" side and of this girl I like...which is why I ended up at a club last night.
That night was so much fun, especially as I ended up dancing with her, and even grinding too.

Unfortunately I somehow bought more people drinks than I recieved that night and so had no money left to buy her a drink and then a (male) friend of hers asked her to come to the bar and after that I lost her.
Bummer.
She was looking for me though, but after giving up looking for her I left with my friends.

The thing is, I really enjoyed that, it was so much fun.

But...I still don't know if I want to persue things now. I just texted her and last night I asked her for coffee, to which she agreed, but I don't have a drive to persue it.

But what happens, if say I get into a "normal" relationship and still I have certain feelings, what if (to put it in such a horrible way) I'm not satisfied?

The trouble is, I don't know which half of my life I want to lead.

But then again, why am I seperating life into halves? Can't both halves be lived together in one "abonormal" lifestyle?

Hmmmm...