Just feeling...

I think I dont like being happy.

Ok scratch that. Thats total crap. Of course I do. Who doesnt?

But, I dont think im comfortable with it.

Not when there is something/anything coming-up which im worrying about.
I dont let myself enjoy myself or get too happy or confident if I know there is something which could "tip the balance".
I guess its like a defence mechanism.

Like right now. I feel quite content and confident. And generally ok.
But I dont like to admit that to myself, I even feel a little bit bad about writing about it.
Almost as if im preparing myself for the worst, like a premature punishment.

Im also feeling happy in a different way. As a result of feeling accepted. Something my sister asked me about a certain attitude.

And I also feel the need to split myself in two.

There is just so much going on in the very near future, what with parties for the next 5 weekends, a gig to see, a trip to "the London of the North", a trip to Kent, results coming out, and of course the on-going work.
And I want to do it all! Well, all except the work.

Except i physically can't. Damn my exploding social life!
I agreed with my sister and cousins to go see our gran in Kent this weekend, and then completely forgot about it and agreed to go to another friends birthday party.
And now I cant go because we were meant to go see gran last weekend but didnt, and I want to see her, and my cousins.
I havent seen them in ages, im having withdrawal symptoms from the hilarity that ensues when we all meet!

Im also feeling impatient.
Im a boy. Who wants to grow up probably a little too fast.
I know at least one of you who agrees with that.
But that is down to everything that I have been and done and had in the past. And I wouldnt like to change any of it, because its made me who I am right now.
I think Im just feeling tired of waiting.

And Im just feeling tired.

Nighty night.

"Even a single grain of rice is enough to tip the balance."

That grain will be coming sometime this week I think. Im just praying the balance tips in my favour...

The best thing in the world!

I've just found my new best thing in the world!
Well i say 'just' but thats just for dramatic effect. I actually discovered it 2 weeks ago.

T-shirts. Amazing. Everyone wears them. Everyone needs them.

But tired of the same old designs on your local high street shop racks?

And tired of finding a friend has exactly the same one?

Well, imagine a website where you can buy limited edition t-shirts.

And imagine that they are limited because all the ones available are winners of a competion entered by designers and voted for by us.

And imagine that they are really cheap for a limited tee that no one else you know will have.
$15 & PP so around £13.
Thats better than Topman tees. Admitedly not as cheap as certain H&M microwaveable lines, but cheap for a designed tee.

And imagine the website is also a giant forum where designers and customers meet and talk, blog, and vote for new and up-and-coming designs.

Well, getting to the point, you dont have to imagine any longer!

Thanks to the 2 Jakes at SkinnyCorp, that website exists, and its called... Threadless!

A week ago i bought this tee. And i loved it sooo much, so then i bought this one and this one.

And the best thing!!!

They are having a sale!!

If you buy 3 tees right now and type in "tenbucks20" at checkout you get them for $10 each!! Thats £25 for 3 tees!!

Click here to buy, offers ends tomorrow!!

I went to play football with "the lads" for the first time today. (My first time with them, not my first time playing)

My friend asked me to come yesterday just after another asked me to go out with another set of friends but i decided on the footie because i couldn't make their last match and thought it'd be good to get some extra excercise also.

Plus im already going out tomorrow night for another friends birthday thing.

Im glad i did go, it was good to make friends with my friend's friends. (Damn my social life, so confusing isn't it?) And i really enjoyed myself, after warming up and getting into the game. And i scored.Definately want to go next time.

My mum told me a proverb today that i thought was rather cool, so I thought i'd blog it before I lost it in the deep murky depths of my mind:

"A successful person builds a strong foundation for themselves from the bricks that are thrown at them"

So Glad I Didnt Apply There...

"tracing the culprits by means of DNA matching..."

"May we advise students who wish to masturbate to do so in the comfort of their own rooms, rather than in the showers..."

Hahahaha!

A Random Rambling Update

So London was good. (At least i hope.)

I didnt see the Queen, not that it was exactly high on my list of priorities.

And i think my sister will slap me if i say "Mind the gap" one more time.

But the things (and i use that word as Any does, to mean people also, or in this case, just) did make me hungry for September/change.
Normally it would make me feel sad and lonely, but im feeling surprisingly content at the moment.
Although that feeling is much like the weather it seems, judging by me feeling so crap as to want to cry early this evening.
Sun and clear azure skies on Monday, and look at it now.
I think I was just tired. I like and need my sleep, and lots of it, to function properly.

Im back here now, to the usual.
Waiting for March. Hopefully March will be my month.
God, pleeease let March be my month!
Even moreso as exam results are coming out then. Ooh and i have The Go! Team to look forward to.

And Grrr!! Stupid Internet Explorer and/or Blogger.
I've only just discovered that in IE my blog sidebar doesnt display properly. All the links are missing!
So I urge all my IE using readers to run along to here and download FireFox. Its Free! What more could you ask for?

Anyway, im going to go and attempt to learn my Alzheimer's "for dummies" guide ready for a presentation tomorrow.
And dont Biology teachers know that Googling "Alzheimer's" will give many websites with the "causes of", "symptoms" and "treatments" that they set as our criteria for said presentation. Whats the bet that he will be listening to and then marking a whole bunch of the same website printout?

Oh nearly forgot! Remember the Geek-Jock war? Well it seems post war hatred still exists. Grafitti-ed on the wall near the entrance to the geek side for almost a whole term now has been the message,

"No Jocks beyond this point! Dick-heads!".

It was only today that i noticed a reply that read,

"Facking Geeks"

*shakes head* cant even spell their favourite word...

"Yes!" I beamed as i met my sister halfway up the stairs, "we made mum cry!"

"Did you see the tear in her eye?" I asked as we High-fived, "how good are we?!"

"And on her birthday as well."

Dont worry, we are not children from hell.
Im just guessing my mum really felt touched by our individual essay-in-birthday-card gestures.

I think cards are so much better than presents....okay who am I kidding, but they are just as important.
Its the one time when you really should just open up and right what you feel about the recipient, as long as its positive of course.

Although, I wonder just how much more money card companies would make with "Im not Sorry", "I hate you", or even "Without my heartfelt sympathy" lines. Or even an anti-Valentines day?
And while im wondering, just what is the opposite to "congratulations"?
Is there one?

But anyway, yes, a long personal message is so much nicer than
"Dear X , love Y"
Dont you think?

[I am feeling: Sleepy and tired.]

[I hear: Silence and my dreams.]

Yes!
Today was not just Valentines day.

Today was also the day that my faith in the British Government was (partially) restored.

MPs have today, taken the right steps to improve the health of the nation. I would stand-up and give them a clap if it weren't so long overdue.

The decision was passed with a 328 strong vote in favour of a ban in all pubs and clubs and this was extended with a 200 strong vote to include private clubs.

Pat told MPs, "I believe it's right to have a complete ban on smoking in public places, including all licensed premises" and is believed to have voted for a total ban. Im glad she came to her senses after all that pussy-footing around.

However there is one aspect of the Health Bill that I disagree with.
Raising the minimum age to 18.
Its just not going to work, and it will be the retailers who suffer.

Is it going to stop 16 year olds from smoking?
No.

Will it give some the incentive to?
I doubt it.

Are retailers going to get attacked and abused by screaming, swearing chavs demanding fags?
Yes.

I know from personal experience of working behind the counter, having to ask Kappa-clad "yoofs" for ID is not pleasant.

And of course, its the retailers, especially independant shop-owners, who are going to have to deal with all this nastiness, and who are going to have to pay the fines if they dont.

Happy Valentines Day,
Love Azuric

[I am feeling: confuzzled.]

[I can hear: the birds singing outside.]

I got a card. 4th year in a row. I cant say i wouldnt have missed it if it hadn't come.

But its bugging me.

I know the 1st one was from a girl i met on holiday.

The 2nd was hand-delivered to my house, and i suspect it was this girl who was a friend of a friend who i knew liked me.

But these last 2? Last years and todays. I have no idea who they are from.

At least if it hadnt have come, then i would have been able to assume that the psycho stalker had stopped stalking.
Or that it wasnt my mum sending them. How sad and depressing would that be?! But i have confronted her many times and she swears she has nothing to do with it.

And it wouldnt be any of those girls who all declared their love for me last term...

Wow, all this attention, i must be a catch!

And i must have really high standards also. which is probably a bad thing. Well its either that or...

I've stumbled across a great new band. A London trio, who go by the name of Little Barrie. They are amazing! Their name is...er...not. But they sound beautiful. How can i describe them?
Funky guitars and lush vocals, laced with a lolloping bassline. Blending funky soul, blues, acid jazz, and alt soft rock in an eclectic concoction.

The album, We are Little Barrie, has that every-track-is-a-winner feel to it, and is produced by Edwin Collins, who also features in some of the songs. His work is great, the tracks are not overdone but drip with textured funk. Especially the opening, Free Salute, which is rich, happy, lets all wave our hands in the air, Maroon5 - Sunday Morning-esque.

Frontman Barrie Cadogan's vocals have a pleasant fragility, strained yet gentle. Soothing yet raspy. I could describe them as: if Macy Gray had a sex change and picked up a guitar, but that wouldnt paint a pleasant picture would it?

Later in the album, some tracks, Stone Reprise, and "Thinking on the mind" even remind me of Portishead. Gentle, chilled, slow and eerie, but still with that lolloping dripping bassline.

If you've liked any of the bands i've previously mentioned, im sure you will like these guys.

Sittin' here

Im frustrated.

I can't create.

Im just sittin here.

Everyday its the same old story. A levels, and school, and work, a year too much. I know i have to get through this, ya-da-ya-da-blah blah.

But then what?

Uni. Yes! Thats the goal.

But then what?

6 years of being wherever i end up. Working.

But then what?

Graduate.
And end-up being surrounded by cynical and smarmy doctors.
Dont you just hate them.

Im frustrated.

I cant express my creativity.

Because.

I have to bury my head in books, and work.
And work.
And work.
For these grades.

With nothing as yet to work for, no offer.

And i want to do something creative. Make something. Take something. Write something. Do something.

Blogging could be the answer. If maybe i bought www[dot]azuric[dot]com, and obtained and learnt how to use photoshop/dreamweaver/etc and personalised the layout with optional flashy intro.

*Turns up Ivor* I love this song - Dizzee Rascal - Fix Up Look Sharp.
Its loud, and funky, and creative. Punchy, and bassy, hard hitting. Oiiiiiiiiii!!

I feel like a baby, a little to far from his rattle, reaching out for the world out there, reaching and reaching, till i reach too far and fall flat on my face.
I want to get out there, and see the world, go and explore the lonely planet, instead of sittin here and exploring the lonely planet.

India-North2South, Thailand, Indonesia
Oz-east coast, Japan - Tok&Kyo, Hong K
ong, China. Then SouthAm-Inca trail, Co
sta Rio, Carib, Mex, Cali, NY-LON home.


I want to tread this beaten path...

The breakdown:

• Got hair cut. Short, but longer than last time. Longer at back, angled front, looks better than sounds. Growing to like it more and more. What? Im not vain!
• My cousin came down from Nottingham today. Actually he's is my grans, younger brothers son, so technically my mums cousin and therefore by Indian family definition my uncle. But upon his insistance and the fact that he is only 2 years older than me and 5 younger than my sister he is just "cousin".
• Sat, talked, got to know him better. We've only met once before, a big family get together on mums cousins side, so didnt get to talk much, but did discover M&S profiteroles. They were not just profiteroles, they were chilled to perfection, covered in rich belgian chocolate and the finest dairy icecream, mmmmm salivate to embarrassment profiteroles. *Thinks about Great Aunty Bevs amazing cooking*
  
• My friend (the one who likes monkeys), and my sisters friend, the hilarious Iraqi doctor came over in the evening.
• All 5 of us went out to Pa||se (see the pause sign in the middle, how amazingly clever!) for drinks, and then next door to Revolution, for another few, and then back to Pa||se to meet my sisters other friend and her sister, and a bunch of their other friends, "the internationals", who included the French, Roma, (az een zee seeti in Eeetalee yu now), and the Indonesian Ekko. (At least I think thats how you spell it.) It was such a big crowd, like a United Colours of Benetton ad, and it was really great how everyone just mingled. My friend and I were the youngest at 18, and then my cousin at 20, then my sisters friends and friends at 24+, but im quite mature for my age anyway, enjoy sociallising with people older than me. I guess thats because of growing up with a sister 7 years older than you.
  
• Here i now am writing this post.

Night night.

Oh nearly forgot, found some new/funky blogs - check in sidebar.

Scribbling till the ink runs out...

And so here it comes again, for a third year now, to taunt me.
It only clicked today that Tuesday is that day.
Of course i would actually be looking forward to it if circumstances were different.

I used to believe that you can be perfectly happy being single.
But im not sure anymore.
The thing is, i cant pin point a reason as to why.

My friend, trying to console me, proposed that i had "[him] to talk to, and plenty of girl friends to get hugs off, and so that just leaves sex" (I didnt say sex was an issue, his words, not mine!), but its not that easy is it?

For some reason we (assuming everyone does) long for that special someone, to share everything with, and its more than just talking/cuddling/sex. Im assuming its because of the constant social reminder, seeing all those other bloody couples, and it reminding you of what you once had.

And why is it so hard to forget that?
I am completely over them, but certain days act as reminders of you being single.

And speaking of getting-over, why cant there just be a delete-from-memory switch making it so much easier to, like with the emails that you can "check" and "delete" in some mad hope that that will make everything go away.

Obviously in my case it was so hard because it was "first-love", except i dont think it was exactly "love", but i guess i will only be able to tell that by comparison. And it was all made so much harder because of the fact that they were perfect, and the fact that neither of us wanted to split, and the worry of not being able to find anyone so perfect again.

Oh my god, listen to me, how depressing, i sound like an episode of Eastenders.

Obviously i will find someone perfect, because thats what love is, they are perfect in your eyes. And i've made my resolution. And this is my year, I am going to get a offer, and im going to get good grades and im going to go to uni god damn it!

OMG im in The Guardian...

well, kind of!

If you hurry down to The Guardian Newsblog today,
you'll surely be in for a surprise,
especially when you look in their Link Log,
third from the bottom is where you should arrive,
there you shall see a link to cool-hunting,
via none other than yours truly!

Except they spelt it wrong, Obscure Azuric, when it should be ObscureAzure...infact it would be quite nice if they put "a href=" and a "/a" around it.

And its such a shame that Theweblog is no longer being updated!

This has gone too far.

Whilst agreeing with Any, "the world is a little bit of an odd place", i'd also have to add that its filled with ignorants and idiots.

The idiots who were so ignorant and insensitive to print/reprint cartoons that they knew would cause offence to others in the first place. I mean reverse the situation, you wouldn't like it if Muslim media published anything offending Christianity/Jesus would you?
How pathetic and shamefully unintelligent.

And the even bigger idiot extremists who have reacted so violently.
How can you justify such violent outbursts?
How can anyone earn respect for their views when they hit back with bigger threats of injustice?
Like bombing, or at least threatening to, like that pathetic man who marched through London dressed as a suicide bomber.
And later he appologises.
Ha! Sorry?!
Your only sorry you were thrown back in jail where you belong, sick scum.

Not wanting to turn this into a who's-religion-is-better-thing or anything but its the only example i can think of at the moment - when that French designer started selling shoes with images of Hindu gods on which were highly offensive, you didn't see them storming the French embassy, burning flags and killing people.
The matter was resolved with peaceful protest and putting pressure on the company to withdraw the products and appologise.

When will these people learn?
Violence does not solve anything.
Clearly these cartoons were to provoke exactly the kind of violent extremist reaction that right wing publications have jumped to the chance of depicting, i.e. another stereotypical example of 'all Muslims' being 'madmen', when they are not.

On the other hand, if members of the Muslim communities refuse to support violent-natured protests and seek to educate the generations of Muslim communities to resolve divides and misunderstanding more intelligently than rightwing editors/certain American/British leaders/all fanatics in general, then the perhaps nations would unite not divide.

"An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind" - Mahatma Ghandi

I know its only February but...

I've done it! I've found my summer anthem!

You have to hear this track by The Feeling.

Its beautiful.

Chilled soft-rock/indie.

Its so happy and summery. Reminds me of lying in the grass staring up at the azure sky, or at the beach, walking on the sand, with the tide gently washing over my feet, or in the city, walking around in the summer sun, frappuccino in hand.

The track is infectious, i loved it from the first listen, and love it more and more each time i hear it, i can guarantee you will catch yourself singing along also, "na-na naa na nana na-na naa na nana", and i love the euphoric "yeah! yeah! Ye-ey-ye-ey-yeah!", at the end.

You can hear more of their music at their myspace site.

Yay, Im going to London in two weeks.
How exciting!

As you should know, i like a wide variety of different genres of music.
Call me musically promiscious, but i couldnt just confide myself to one genre.

Anyway, i heard this new RnB song today called "So Sick" by Ne-Yo, and i really like it.

Now before you turn up your nose with the mention of "RnB" give it a chance.
Ne-Yo is the genius who wrote Mario's "You should let me love you" and this new song wonderful.

The lyrics really got to me, because i can relate to them, everyone can. And his soulful voice over a delicate piano and slick RnB beats add to the charm.

If you cant take the heat...

I've just witnessed one of the funniest mother-daughter quick-fire exchanges in the history of our family.

In the kitchen mum and sister are arguing over mums bible of rules regarding how to load the dishwasher. Our dishwasher has such an easy life honsestly, mum washes everything before putting it in,

"You do know that the purpose of a dishwasher is to wash the dishes so you dont have to"

"Im just rinsing them"
"What, with fairy liquid and a sponge?!"

So my sister is arguing avec ma mere, et puis ma mere a dit a ma soeur (jokingly),

"God you are such a bitch, you remind me of your fathers sisters. I wondered where you got it from"

To which my sister, open-mouthed with shock/surprise and clearly offended, jokingly fires back,

"At least i've got a spine mum, what are you doing, waiting for an implant?!"

Then they both burst out laughing.

I saw that mountain!

It was beautiful. Amazing. Wonderful. Beautifully directed, wonderfully told, and overall an amazing film. It definately deserves the oscars its been nominated for. Especially "best director". Ang Lee is a genius. The shots and scenery were gorgeous. I loved those azure skies punctured with fluffy clouds, and the shots of the landscape. Every scene could have been a painting!

It didnt make me cry, but i think only Bollywood can do that, and it couldnt replace my favourite film of all time ever. But it was splendid.

I found it hard to relate to in some ways, although this was probably due to a combination of factors including myself, Heath Ledgers apparent lips botox botch-up, and the fact that i cant hear very well at the moment due to an ear infection that i think has come from guess where.
I think there is some swelling in the lining of the Eustachian tube of my right ear causing pressure to build up and thus pushing the tymphatic membrane outwards, which a) causes pain (its like constantly being on a plane that is about to take off/land) and b) due to reduced vibration-ability, results in less clear hearing. Wow, dont i sound all medical! *Polishes Stethoscope*

But my (gay) friend seems to be able to more, so there you go.

And i think it got the right balance, not any excessive gay (or even hetero) sex so that people would be turned off (i realise the irony here but you know what i mean) but just enough to convey the love and development of relationships.
And the writers had thought of everything! e.g. the rich-poor: Heath Ledger wearing the same coat, whilst Jake Gyl-I-can-guarantee-this-is-spelt-wrong-lenhall had a new coat and car every time they met. And even the subtle (and sometimes not so subtle - Jake having a rat-under-his-nose moustache) changes to make them older over the years. And the role reversals, Jake being timid, then giving his father-in-law a (wow!) mouthful, and Heath being the aggressive one, then being beaten up by that truck-driver.

And wasn't Heaths wife such a great actress, she deserves an award. You kind of disliked and felt sorry for each of the characters at some point through the film. And im glad they didnt cast any mega-famous stars for the film, having slightly lesser well known actors and actresses made it better. Jakes wife was good as well, i loved the bit where Jake finally gives his father-in-law a mouthful and you see the expression on Lorraines face. Made me laugh.

The best and most cleverest (that doesnt sound very grammatically correct?) bit in my opinion was when Heath rings up Jakes wife to find out how it happened after he got that post card ( I knew it would happen!). The flashback showing what happened whilst Lorraine tells a different story - is it paranoia in Heaths mind? Or did that really happen? We will never know, its left to our own interpretation. Genius! (And so sad!)

And im sure there is more i could say about it, but you've seen it, you have your own opinion, and if you havent, then oops! Sorry i spoilt it a little.

Random Wednesday

Grr! Arent siblings so annoying sometimes...

Sibling numero uno is on another one of her, no doubt pmt fueled, rages. And her aggressive comments are begining to really irritate me. And she's not spewing funny bitchy comments, like the memorable time when i once accused her of being a bitch and was given "im not being a bitch. Im testing your strength" as a reply. This is just ehem-off-and-shut-the-door-behind-you annoying.

But anyway...
I gave my CV into another shoe shop today. As i left i noticed through the window that the young woman i had handed it to had passed it on to her more senior looking collegue, who was opening the envelope. I nudged my friend and motioned excitedly at them reading it with a grin on my face. And of course its only at this point that i notice a third member of staff standing next to them who is looking straight at me. She then gave me a big wave! How embarrassing! Doh!