Yay for Topman.com!

Bought these, and got them today.

I like the grey one but I'm not too keen on the red one. It's nice, but doesn't look good on me. Might take it back.

Three Random Things

One

I have a horrifying suspicion that the hair on one side of my face grows slightly faster than the hair on the otherside!
I have decided to plan and carryout and investigation.
I will require:
1 ruler graduated in mm
One razor
3cm³ non-foaming shaving gel
A magnifying glass.

Two

My Dad bought a BMW yesterday from his brother.
It's not a new model and second-hand but he is so happy. You can just see it.
He often tells us that it has always been his dream to drive a car like that.
He's the total opposite to my Mum, material things make him happy and he can be proud.
And he never says anything, but you can tell that he feels upset because he works harder than anyone in our families, but doesn't drive a flashy car like them.
If I ever get rich, I'd like to buy him a brand-spanking new one.

Three

I spliced my arm open on a sellotape dispenser cutting thingy yesterday. It was fascinating. I just saw the skin part open, forming a cut about 3/4 of a milimetre deep, and little beads of blood started to form.
Then before I knew it, the cut had welled up with blood.
So, I washed it, and then had the bright idea of sealing up the wound with a shaving stick.
Oh how it stung. There were cries of pain, swearing, and even sink gripping.
I am not going to do that again in a hurry.

So that was it.
The last A-Level exam was yesterday.

I can't believe it.
Two years of 6th form is finally over.
It's very slowly sinking in, especially as I write this. A strange grin/in awe expression is creeping up on my face.

It's just that, you go through school looking up at everyone and being scared of GCSE's and then of A-Levels, and one day, BANG you've done it.

You're suddenly one of the people you used to listen to about what they're like, and how hard it all is.
I can remeber when I first started at school in the first year, we used to think the 6th formers were these big adults walking around in these big adult suits, but then when you get there yourself, it's so different.

Anyway, the exam.
Playful Azuric just wants to forget about it, but Serious Azuric would like to address it.
So, I will keep it brief.
It was the Chemistry Synoptic.
It was not really hard, but then it was not easy.
Upon starting I began to panic as my brain was so frazzled I had forgot so much basic stuff.
The first (compulsory) question was phrased in an annoyingly confusing way, but I managed to do it in the end.
After this, there were 2 more questions, out of 3 that had to be answered.

I could kick myself.
I didnt read one of the questions properly, and so gave an answer based upon the Haber process to a question about the Nitric acid process.
Grrr!

But, as playful Azuric rightly points out, there's nothing that can be done now, so I'm just going to forget about it, and hope that I get the grades.
Meh, its all up to fate.

After the exam, everyone went home.
I know, how sad!
It was such an anti-climax.

A, N, and I went to a really nice new Mexican restaurant near our school, ChimiChanga.
It's the third time N and I have been there for lunch.
The buffet is delicious, and only a fiver.
N and I decided to celebrate by ordering a ChimiChanga Fizz.

You should have seen N's face when it arrived. Infact I was shocked too, a small child's head could have fitted into the vessel.
But it was gorgeous.

After that, I went job hunting! More on this exciting adventure in a future post.

I hung around in town with N and A for the rest of the day, buying melons to fill with Vodka (N's idea) and browsing in the Topman sale, and then was taken for a hair cut by Mum on the way home.

At about a quarter to nine, I got a lift with R, B, and another A (We will call her AT), to this bar in the student area of the city called Sumo, which N had chosen as it apparently had a "buy one get two free" offer on.
However, upon arrival we found that as all the students have gone, so have the offers.
It was a great night nonetheless. N, A, K, M were already there when we got there, and G joined us soon after, followed eventually by RG and KB.

We sat around a table squished together on one long curved sofa, and talked, joked and watched the match.
After that, the drinking games began. Except as some weren't drinking, they used limes instead. Don't ask.
I love "I have never".
Its such a great game.
The person who invented it should get a merit.

At first the "I have never's" were aimed at N, and then a period of exchanges between N and AT began, as the rest of us lapped up all the goss, and were in hysterics.

Later, everyone decided to turn on me as apparently they "love to see me pissed".
But I've only been "pissed" twice, and I'm very responsible with alcohol.
Infact, I even used "I have never drunk so much that I've been sick" to get AT, A, N, G and M.

Ooh ohh! N even used her notorious phrase again!

At about eleven, Sumo was dead, so we decided to move on.
We stood outside The Looking Glass deliberating whether or not to go in for about 5 minutes.
K, N, and B wanted to go in because some guys were waving at them through the window.
But they were sleasy and old.
And the girls even said that themselves!
I don't get girls sometimes.

K tried to persuade everyone that we should go there as "They have live music!", but then KB pointed out that, "Live music is crap, that's why it's not on CD's", to which everyone laughed.

Then we moved on to The Orange Tree, which had an ominous bouncer at the door.
N and I walked straight in but nearly all the rest were ID'd.
A and K are under 18 so we thought we'd have a problem, but K had a fake ID and A just showed his Driving Licence anyway and still got in!

The OT was really nice, upstairs we took over a few sofas, a table and some poofs.
Ah yes, you can imagine what happens when you get a few merry teens near furniture that has a funny name.
The crowd was good too, students and 20-somethings.
I like places like that, where there are no chavs, or stabbings on the dancefloor.
Some people take Sophie Ellis-Bextor lyrics too seriously.
Although, some of the people who were in Sumo before were taking E's in the toilets there.
And what do I care if you're taking drugs, but could you have made it anymore obvious?

"Okay mate, Im coming out [of the cubicle] now. Oh that water and lager was good".

"Yeah, better than E and lager like you said before."

The "guard" friend clearly hadn't learnt the art of subtlty.

We stayed there until Midnight but then had to go as R was driving us home.
Then I got home, grabbed a glass of water from the kitchen, came up to my "pad" [You have to see it, it's amazing!] and did my English homework, before going to bed.

Right, Im off.
Bye.

Im Free!

Liberated from the oppression of exams!

Free from 14 years of School!

Im a free man!

An independant young adult!

Free!

The Really Long Post

Friday - Tired and worn down, mentally, physically, and emotionally:

Wow.

Just one to go. On Monday. And then it will all be over.

And not just exams, school life altogether will be coming to a close.
The end of an era.

I am so so very tired and sleep deprived, and my brain is all over the place.
My words are slurring and no doubt there will be several typing errors in this post once I give up trying to correct them.

The Last Biology exam was today.
I don't think I've ever been so panicked or have crammed so hard for an exam before.
I left the revision till three days before the exam because Biology is my strongest subject and I had to give priority to Chemistry.
So as a result, there were late nights, failed 3 am starts, actual head aches and even nausia.

It went okay.
Which means I answered every question.
However, whether I wrote what they were looking for is another thing.
Thats the annoying thing about Biology, you can ramble on passionately about anything and everything because the questions are so vague, and you have to to get the marks.

And it's really annoying when people tell me I have no reason to worry because I did so well last year and blah blah blah.
If I want to worry then I will.
And I have both reason and a right to if im still learning one sixth of the module for the first time on the morning of the exam and have done only one practice paper so far.
Im not asking for your oppinion, so go away.

Today when I got home I cleaned my room, and had a little exam detox if you will.
I went through all my files and folders and threw out all my old notes, which I shall no longer be needing.
The pile was so high, almost up to my bed.
Okay so there was a Manchester Prospectus in there but still.
I don't know what Im going to do with my books. I was thinking of selling them on eBay, but something tells me there's not exactly going to be a demand for them.

I also found a 6th Form prospectus in the depths of crap that had accumulated, and besides thinking "Oh I remember her" and "he was such a knob", I realised that it seems like only yesterday that I started the 6th form.
Two years has just flown by, and next week will be my leavers service!

This post is meant to be really long because there has been a lot I have been thinking about/feeling over the past few days.
Most probably its stress from exams, emotional build-up and general frustration.

I've begun job-hunting also.
I want to work really hard over the next 2 months to be able to afford a Laptop and loads of new clothes. I may even try and get a job in the evenings a few days a week.
I want to work as a sales assistant in retail.
Everything else just seems boring.
I gave in my CV at a bank but it would be so dull compared to working in a High Street outlet.

I had a slump in self confidence a few days ago although it seems to have disappeared now.
I think its just a result of being stuck at home, revising, and being and feeling trampy.

Call me shallow, but I have my insecurities, and Im not 100% happy about my self/body.
Because Im a small build and don't look like the guy in the Hugo Boss In Motion Advert, but want to. (As Im sure most guys do)
And I know Im average height, and build is limited by genetics so I won't ever be like that and Im still growing and most of that can be achieved by hard work in the gym and all but still.


Saturday - rested, happy, more confident:

I had to write this over 2 days as I was just so tired yesterday.
Funnily enough, my mood has changed since.

I went for a run the other day.

I was feeling a bit "bleughh" and wanted to get out of the house and do something that would benefit my body and mind. Yay for endorphins!
It worked as well.
I felt much better and want to make it a regular thing, although I pushed myself quite hard and my legs were aching for the next few days.

Call me shallow again but Im also feeling a little better because Im going shopping on Monday and my sister is taking me to Birmingham on Saturday. *Makes embarrassed face*
What?! Its called retail therapy!

I re-jigged my room this morning.
After having de-cackified it and throwing away 3 bags of old notes and papers yesterday, I removed my OLD computer I had in here and replaced it with the NEW computer that my sister bought a while ago.
It has a TV tuner in it also which means I could remove the chunky TV I had. Then I moved my HI-FI from the low bookshelf infront of the windows to where the TV was.

It looks so much better now because all that used to be so in-your-face and now I have an un-cluttered window and "minimalist" surfaces, and much more light!
It looks proper "pimped-out", like the perfect teenage boys crib.

I cant remember what else I wanted to write so Im going to leave it there.

Bye.

What...

...is the difference between a biscuit and a cookie?
The person with the correct answer will win a **mystery prize!**

Just my 71-6-19.

The Chemistry module 5 exam was absolutely horrible.
It was ridiculously hard, and so synoptic.

The whole paper contained the types of questions where you have to understand Chemistry fully, and not just learn what happens.

It just wasn't me though as everyone found it hard, which is both reassuring and good because hopefully this means the grade boundaries will drop.

The Biology Synoptic was also not exactly easy.
Better than Chemistry 5 but testing nonetheless.

And guess who was looking at the time for another paper and thus thought he had 15 minutes more than he did.

Teachers can be so annoying sometimes.
Firstly it's an exam, so is meant to be quiet.
Okay, you can't be blamed for coughing, but do you have to walk into the middle of the room and cough repeatedly in a monotonous and unrealistically loud way?
Especially near the end of the 90 minutes when everyone is under pressure and trying hard to concentrate.
I nearly started laughing when I heard someone behind me tut loudly.

Secondly, why do they put people doing different exams in the same room?
Okay so you may have to collect up one set of exam papers but do you have to shout?
"Put your hands up if you're doing this paper"
"Higher!"
"Both hands"
"Now do star jumps"

And finally, yes you do have the right to repeatedly order us to "get those phones out of here now!", but maybe you should then take you're own advice.
Or at least answer the bloody thing when it starts ringing.

Aah, rant 1 over.

Rant 2:

I was reading the local paper the other day, and read a letter from one man who was complaining that he saw an England flag on someone's car (in support of the World Cup) but that the car itself was a Japanese make, and went on about how that was really bad and English people should support everything English.

What a complete plonker.
People like this really annoy me.
They are so narrow-minded it’s amazing.
They are so blinded by their own ignorance that they are missing what the World Cup is all about - so many people of different nations and cultures coming together in the name of Football to have fun, and to educate each other about their cultures.

And furthermore, I’m assuming that this man watches TV and uses a mobile phone like a vast majority of the population.
Heck lets be really daring and assume he has used a computer.
Then he would be using technology which has partially been designed in Japan.
Hypocrite.

Yes we can be patriotic, and should be proud of our country/ies.
And the World Cup is an obvious time to be patriotic.
But there is a line.

Aah, rant 2 over.

I shouldn't be here.

I shouldn't be doing this.

I hate this feeling.

Guilty because Im not revising.
But innocent because I just cant bring myself to do anymore.

Its so horrible though.
No matter how much I've done and do, I still cant do this Chemistry Module properly.
I have done practice past papers and just keep getting B's and C's.

Grrr!
I hate this bloody module.
Its not supposed to be synoptic but it so is.
Its even harder than the unit 6 synoptic.

And the mark scheme is so stupidly specific, despite the questions being so vague, its just rediculous.
What, are we just meant to read the bloody examiners mind or something?!

All these plonkers who say A-Levels are getting easier every year can kiss my ketone quite frankly.

I just want to go watch the football and relax.
But I cant.

And my sister just rang from Frankfurt, informing us how the atmosphere is so amazing and her friend and her have made more friends and they're all watching the matches and being friendly and happy and having so much fun la-dee-dah.

Me? Jealous? Never.

Okay okay, so obviously I took a break for both of the England matches, and last night to watch (one of my favourite movies) Save The Last Dance.
But I still felt guilty then.

And I dont even know where Im going with this other than to moan pointlessly.
So I'll stop.

I got a phone call from School today informing me that I have won the Biology prize.

Im such a geek.
I dont mean to be honest!
It just sort of...happens.

Maybe I should get some of those thick-rimmed black glasses.

Obviously Im happy, and its about bloody time too, but Its going to be so embarrassing, going up on stage at Speech day infront of everyone, especially as im as shy as a giraffe.

And what if I do something really stupid like fall over or something.

And what is it with parents getting so overexcited about these things?

My ears still haven't stopped ringing after telling my Mum and Sister.
Dad just gave a nice "Oh thats good. Well done"
Apparently they are all "definately going to come this year".

I hope this Speach day will be as good as last years.
The guest speaker was historian David Starkey, who amongst other things decided it would be a good idea to talk about oral sex.

I dont think there has ever been a speaker who has held everyone's attention so well.

And the reaction of the Headmaster, who was sitting on stage behind him, was just priceless.

You should have seen the look on his face.
Absolutely hilarious.

5 down, 5 (proper ones) to go!

Its so unbeliveably hot, its disgusting.
Im sweating just sitting here.
This reminds me of Summer in Japan.
Except without the ciccadas.

I feel like going for a cold shower, a really cold one, the type that make you pant and gasp for breath (Does anyone know why that is?), but I fear I may collapse somewhere between here and the bathroom.

What is good is this whole glowing sun-kissed skin thing thats going on.
Everyone just looks better.
(God that sounds really shallow doesn't it?)
And Im used to being golden-brown, but this is a nice change.
(And that sounds really vain doesn't it?)

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

I was just thinking today about when these exams end, and the fact that in a months time everything will be over.
Its going to be like the end of an era.
So strange.
Like a new chapter of life.

And hopefully a fun and successful one, both careerwise and relationshipswise.
Because Im so bored.
And Im bored of blogging that Im bored.
I want some-thing/one exciting to come along.

And to be honest im still a bit confused about stuff...or rather one thing in particular.
Which is annoying because I don't know what to do about it.
Even though I do know what I want in the long run.
I don't have to decide anything for the shortrun anytime soon, but still.

I've seen something I would quite like.
Although I dont know whether I could get it.
Which is also annoying.
And causes further debate over the above.
It doesn't make me feel worse about myself.
But then again, it shouldn't should it?
Anyway, there's no harm in a bit of window-shopping now and again is there?

Ohmygodohmygodohmagod!

I've just found the best website ever.
Its a guide to the best toy ever in the history of toys.

Brickset is a guide to all the Lego themes and sets ever produced.
How cool is that.
*Begins to reminisce*

I (used to) love Lego.
I used to sit there for hours building cities and space ships and bridges and lifts which could then collapse, and having car races, and alien wars.

I think it is possibly the best toy in the world.
Not only because its so fun and imaginative, but because it inspires children and develops their creativity.
Im going to buy my kids loads of Lego.

I grew up wanting to be any kind of engineer and still am fascinated with mordern urban architechture and general design.
I think a lot of that came from the chance to be so creative from such an early age.

I remember when I got my first ever Lego set *grins inanely*.
It was a big red bucket of general bricks that I got for Christmas from my uncle and aunt.

Wow, and from that I expanded to so many more sets. I think the only one that I really collected was the Lego Space: Exploriens.
I got the Exploriens Starship for a later Christmas and build up from there.

There's loads about Lego on Wikipedia, even BrickWiki - Lego's own encyclopedia.
How great.

Anyway, Im going to go now.
Maybe to watch TV.
Or read a book.
But what Im definately not going to do is fetch my box of Lego from under the bed in the spare room.
Nope, not me.
*Grins inanely*

Dont say I don't spoil you.

These cakes are fresh out the oven and won't be around for long so get them while they're hot:

Remember last week when I exclusively revealed that Trevor Nelson was exclusively revealing that Pharrell and Kanye had done a track - "Number One" together?

Well I can't stop listening to it.
Its incredible.
And so very Michael Jacksony, Pharrell's vocals are great.

And because Im so good to you, here it is.
What do you think?

I've compiled some instructions for you for listening to it:

• Ensure no one (you like) is within hearing/complaining distance
• Set the volume to an adequate level
• Now double it
• Play the song
• You should hear the following lyrics:
  

"Worlds worlds worlds famous
Worlds worlds worlds famous,
You now listenin to, Skate Board P, and the Louis Vuitton Don,
Its is so unfair,
so unreasonable,
Lets go!"

• Upon hearing "Lets go" turn the bass up
• Enjoy!

Now, I can also reveal that...

...this year...

...Christina Aguilera, Justin Timberlake, Nelly Furtado and Beyonce are all coming back.
What a great year for (urban pop) music!

And, because Im just so great, here is Christina's new track - "Ain't no other man"

Move over James Brown!
Its so Soul/Motowny, and WOW! to her vocals.

Both songs sound like Wacko Jacko could have done them.
Wouldn't it be so amazing if Jacko came back and collaborated with Pharrell or Kanye?

Not many people know this, but some of the tracks that Pharrell had produced on Justin's album "Justified" were actually meant to be for MJ.
I heard it from Pharrell himself.
Word.

Furthermore, I want to let you know that rumours are ripe that Jacko actually is planning to get back into the studio.
Hee-hee, Chamawn!

And last of all, whilst im revealing all this music-come-back stuff, here's a little home-grown related come-back surprise - rumours are also doing the rounds that All Saints are in the studios recording a new album.

Gosh I feel so lethargic.

And my arms and shoulders ache.
Its been going on for a while now.
I kind of dull, tired, ache.
I had been doing shoulder exercises with dumbells almost everyday but haven't since Saturday night.
So surely if it was anything to do with that it would have ceased by now?

Yesterday, I had my Mechanics (M2) exam.
Overall I found it quite hard.

The first half was so easy, and had me thinking "Hehe! Chamawn A", but then almost with the turn of a page, the second half became murderous.
However, upon leaving the Great Hall and talking to everyone else, I discovered that everyone in my set found it hard.
All the clever/geek people (which, despite what my friends would say, does not include me!)
And If they found it hard.
It must have been.
Im confident I have done okay.

Today I had Chemistry Units 1 -3.
Yay! Joy to the world, retakes are over!

Despite wishing that I hadn't retaken them, and getting stressed and worked up about them, I was so glad I did redo them.
I don't want to sound cocky, but it just seemed so much easier this time round.
Well units 1 and 2 did, 3 was solid.
Having said that, I probably won't have bettered myself anyway, but at least I took the chance.

And I think I like the smell of exam papers.
Does that make me weird?
They just have this distinct smell about them, when they come fresh out of their sealed envelopes.
Its probably the smell of the ink used to print them...which is probably a solvent...and so im probably slowly getting wasted throught the exam. Moving on...

Now its going to get fun. With the retakes out the way, I can concentrate on the real A-levels. Here comes the stressing, late nights, and cans of Red-Bull wannabe but nicer-tasting soft drinks.

Bye.

Grrrr!!!

What is with these annoying people with their blatant Indian accents and their fake English names calling me every 5 seconds to sell me something?!

They are so unbelievably irritating its amazing.

And they just dont get the message, I am NOT interested.
N-O-T interested!
That means you read the "Okay sir, thankyou, have a good day" line off your script and put the phone down.
Not then ask me, "But why? Its free! I can give you a free Motorola blah blah with 1200 free texts a month for only £35 a month blah blah..."

And I, being so nice, am too polite to just put the phone down or anything else so have to listen to their sales speech before I can tell them to go away.

I've just had "Mike" (err more like Mukhesh) on the phone from Toucan informing me that I could get free calls and blah blah, and repeatedly asking me how to spell my last name.

There was no way I could tell him that, "TalkTalk are offering me a better deal so thanks but no thanks", without having to then give him every minute detail of said deal.
Believe me, I speak from experience.

Then literally 3 minutes later I had "Paul" calling from Something-or-other asking me how much I was paying on my mortgage.
Im 18 years old. I dont have a mortage. I dont even have a house!
And no, the homeowner is not in. Grrr!

The most infuriating thing however, is the 10 second gap between when you answer the phone and when they start talking.
And the delay.
And the fact that they read their scripts over everything you say, so then repeat themselves 3 times in the confusion.
You'd think that the companies would invest some of the money saved in moving their call centres abroad into better network connections.

I know they are just doing their jobs and it isn't their fault, and they do take a lot of abuse but still remain calm and polite...normally.

On one occassion:

[Ring Ring]
Me: Hello?
[10 second gap]
Me: Hello? Hello?!
Her: Good evening sir, is Mr [Azuric's Father] there?
Me: Who's calling? (understandably peed off)
Her: I am Blah Blah, calling from Blah Blah.
Me: No he's not.
Me: Bye.
Her: Okay thankyou.
Me: [Hangs up]

--- 5 minutes later ---

[Ring Ring]
Me: Hello?
[10 second gap]
Me: Hello? Hello?!
Her: Good evening sir, is Mr [Azuric's Father] there?
Me: No he's not.
Me: Er, can I ask who's calling? (In an irritated tone as she just called 5 minutes ago)
Her: Er, no, you cant.
Her: [Hangs up]
Me: Cheeky Cow!

--- 30 minutes later ---

[Ring Ring]
Me: Hello?
[10 second gap]
Me: [Realises its her]
Me: Allo? Allo?
Her: Good evening sir, is Mr [Azuric's Father] there?
Me: Allo?
Her: Hello? Is Mr [Azuric's Father] there?
Me: Allo? Je ne comprends pas. Je ne parle pas Anglais.
Her: Hello?
Me: Je pense que vous avez les faux numero.
Her: Hello?
Me: D'accord, au revoir.
Me: [Hangs up]

I know it was evil, but she deserved it.

Ahh, rant over now I feel better...

[Ring Ring]

Aaarrrrggghhh!!

As you may be aware, Japan is notorious for its Love Hotels, where couples can check-in for a weekend of "fun".

I was looking through some of my pics taken in Japan and came across this, which was taken one evening as we were walking around in Kyoto. (what? Like it didn't get your attention either.)

It reminded me of a game my sister and her friends used to play where they took it in turns to think up amusing catchphrases and tag lines for the Love Hotels they spotted on long journeys.

The clear winners, agreed upon by all of them apparently, were:

Hotel Sexus - Where you're pleasure is our business...

and:

Hotel Sexus - Stay and come with us...


P.S. Yay, I've just had 1,001 views of my Flickr Photostream.
These are the most "interesting" in case you wanted to know.
Not bad for 167 photos and no pro account.
I really must get one though. Maybe I'll ask my sister for one for my b'day.

I am feeling [Tired, Content, Stronger]

Wow, it's so unbelievably warm, even at 7:41 PM.

Despite having done hardly any work today, im quite tired. I think its both the heat and the mental fatigue from revision.

I've been a bit worried with myself regarding revision. Even though I have 4 exams in the next 4 days I cant bring myself to revise hard enough.

I've lost all motivation and focus. I don't feel at all how I did last year for my AS exams or in January for those modules, even though these are my finals!
Maybe I've burnt out.
Like people who work in The City do when they get to 40 and have made their millions.
Or maybe it will kick-in after I've actually had my first exam.
I hope.

I watched the match today, how great was that for the final pre-WC friendly. I couldn't help feeling sorry for the Reggae Boys though.

I've decided Im going to try and be a little more open about blogging my feelings and whatnot, like a certain someone said, "what is the blog, if not a shoulder?".

That was the original intention when I started ObAz, but it becomes harder when it becomes more than just a web log and your readers become more than strangers.
But the latter is a good thing, and I appreciate and am thankful for it.
Plus there was/is the (probably unnecessary) fear that somehow someone from reality will find it and recognise that Azuric is infact someone they know.

Mum has gone away for the weekend with my Aunt to my Grandmothers house. She'd been wanting to go for a while now and I think it will be good for her to take a break.
My Sister has also gone away for the weekend, for a friends party at some club in central London.
I was invited.
Except im not 21, and I have A level exams.
Oh Joy!

Last night my Father, my Sister and I went out to eat as Mum had left, and we had an okay time. Despite dad being in a bad mood initially (tired from work no doubt), when we got there we had a general chit-chat and it was good. He asked me how my revision was going and which exams were coming up, and what my worst subject was.
I know he has good intentions, and despite the fact that I have uncles who take more interest in what I do, I know he means well.
I dont have the perfect father, fact. But I am lucky to have my dad. And the strength is in accepting life and what it throws at you, and dealing with it.

As everyone is away, its just the 2 of us in tonight, we've ordered a pizza, and then Im going to watch Get Rich or Die Trying because according to my Sister (of all people) its meant to be "really good in a gritty depressing sort of way".
Hmmm.
One shall see.

Bye for now.

I am feeling [Depressed, Miserable, Lonely]

Everytime I come to blogging how Im feeling I can never do it. I just cant start it. So excuse me if this is all a bit rambly and nonsensical.

I really dislike my father sometimes.

For the way he behaves and the things he does...and doesnt do.

He just makes my mums life so miserable sometimes.

Despite the happy-families front we put up for everyone outside a week doesnt seem to go by without an argument between them.

Mum came home really upset today and began telling me about the argument they had at work.

I sat there drying her tears and listening to her whilst thinking why on earth he is the way he is. I know he works so hard and is so tired all the time, but everyone is stressed, especially mum, and no one acts the way he does.

He never appreciates anything she does for him, even though she raised both of his children single handedly, managed the whole rebuilding of our house (subsidence problems), manages the entire financial side of the business, works for the business and attends another job.

She does everything. And he doesnt see any of it. He doesnt see how lucky he is.

And he says some really hurtful things.

I'll be here for hours if I try to explain it all.

Im worried about the long-term situation for them.
Despite my sister and I having grown up telling them to divorce we know thats not a solution they are willing to accept.
(A - because of the financial complications, B - being in Indian society, C - her knowing that he wouldnt be able to survive without her.)

Whilst she was telling me everything my mum said, that I'd be okay because I am going off to London, and my sister is going to get married, and that she has no one.

And it hurt me because its true. She is my best friend in the whole world. And theres nothing I can do to help her. We have been through so much together, and this year I will leave her and go.

My father is a nice guy, and he is hardworking and I do appreciate him. But we have never been close. For the first 13 years of my life I hardly saw him. That wasnt his fault, but youd think hed want to catch up on all that over the next 5 years.
During the whole 18 years of my life, and Im not exagerating here, I think we've only had 2 conversations.
He never asks me what Im doing, or how Im feeling, how my day was, what im into. I bet he doesnt even know what subjects im taking.

My mum tried to explain to me that he never had any emotion shown to him when he grew up so how was he supposed to give any, but thats a whole load of rubbish. You learn from what you dont have and give that to your wife and children.
Thats what being a husband and father is all about.
Id never treat my wife or children like this.

I still respect him for everything he does for us, and because my mum brought me up to do so, but respect is earnt, and he certainly is not earning it.

I will always be there for my family, a shoulder to cry on, but Im tired of the pressure, and the maturity and of putting on a brave face.
I miss having someone of my own to turn to for support and to cry on.

Sometimes I feel like climbing under my duvet in my bed, where I feel safe and secure and crying.